im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize
