You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
