it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
