A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
