he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
