I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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