Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
