pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
