She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
