I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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