What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
