Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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