It's Friday. Sex?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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