New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
