I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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