What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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