Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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