i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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