Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just found puke in my bra..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
