If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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