i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize