i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
now i know why i became what i already was.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize