I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
