Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
