Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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