Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
