That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
