I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
one might say we're banned from that church
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize