Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
