I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
