I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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