It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
