So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
