That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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