i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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