When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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