apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize