I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize