Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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