Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
