i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
