I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
