and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
