so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
smell my finger.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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