I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
