Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
did you just send me my own nude
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize