His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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