I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
