JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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