I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize