I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
