I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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