apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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