I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
