I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
