Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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