I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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