i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
