we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
